Anonymous asked: Jesus wasn't middle eastern, He was an israelite. read a book.


friend i have some bad news for you.

I just got off the phone with my mom and I want to crawl into a ball. I should be there for her. She’s on new medication and I should be there for her. She didn’t turn her back on me when I kept switching meds. She was there. All of my doctor appointments and hospitalizations and breakdowns. She stood by me the best way she knew how.

Yeah, it wasn’t always the healthiest way but she did the best that she could while fighting her own issues. But I’ve just turned my back on her completely and I feel so disgusted by myself. I feel so fucking guilty and I just want to forget the world for a day or three.

Not even five minutes in the case management meeting and my case worker tells me she’ll meet with me later because her sister came to visit.

She’s cancelled our meetings twice already and now she throws me aside because her sister came to visit AT WORK. I mean, come on now. I’d get it if I called her and asked for a meeting right then and there but I didn’t. Today is our assigned case management meeting and she couldn’t spare twenty minutes for me to go over my plans for the week. Which now means that I don’t have the bus passes to do what I wanted to do this weekend.

What do I have to do to get a little of their time? I’ve done everything they’ve asked of me. I’ve applied for food stamps and insurance, taken my GED (AND PASSED EVERYTHING), gotten an eye exam, set up other doctor appointments, given my case worker my weekly schedules between Day Treatment and BST and volunteer work, made my resume, and even participated in their groups.

The only thing I haven’t really done is spend time in the clubhouse to befriend the other people here. I already have an amazing support system filled with positive and healthy people that I know I can count on. The time that I did spend with a few other people here was spent with them talking about how badly they wanted drugs. Like, no. I don’t want to be around that. I’m not here to entangle myself in their issues. I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to get negative people out of my life. I’m here to avoid getting tied up with people who use. I’m here to get on my feet. And befriending these people isn’t the way to do that.

Apparently, my BST hours conflict with mandatory events. Why should I move around my schedule when she can’t even own up to our case management meetings? Why should I inconvenience my BST worker because I have to go to events with people I want nothing to do with? My BST worker has to do afternoon hours with her other client because he has school, I don’t so I get more of the morning hours. That’s how reality works. Why should I make time for them when they can’t even keep up with an hour a week for my case management?

Do I have to act out and be irresponsible to get them to notice that, yes, I’m still here and yes, I’m still having trouble adjusting and yes, I still need their help? Just because I’m doing these things by myself doesn’t mean that I don’t want to go over my game plan with them or touch base with them. Just because I don’t raise a huge fit over not being able to have a second with any of the staff here doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like they’re completely going back on what they promised me. I’m used to people not being there for me so it doesn’t matter to me if they’d just fucking admit that they don’t have time for me. Don’t tell me that you’ll be there if you aren’t. And don’t tell me that I have to make time for you when you obviously don’t make time for me.

scarygothmother replied to your post: Update:

Try to think of leaving as a positive thing. Something you did to help you, otherwise it might come back to haunt you. You’re doing so well, keep going! xxx

I’m trying really hard to remind myself that this is something I need for my own health and safety but it gets hard sometimes. Thank you for your support, it means the world to me. I’ll keep going. ~

Last week was Spring Break so at Day Treatment we did outings instead of groups and whatnot. On Monday we went hiking, Wednesday we had an Easter party, and Friday some of us went to the lake. On Thursday, I visited my family. My mom was in a decent mood so she saw my place and she approved of it in her own way. I visited them again yesterday for Easter and my mom and dad fought most of the night because he wouldn’t give her money to go out. She slammed doors and threw stuff at our windows and when I had a panic attack she tried to use that against my dad. Like if he would just give in and give her money that’s meant for rent then I wouldn’t be hyperventilating. It was at that moment when I felt extremely conflicted.

I immediately jumped into my role of mediator but the only things I could think of was that I was thankful that I’m not living there anymore and how terrible I felt for thinking that. There’s still a lot of guilt I have left inside of me about moving out, about admitting that my living situation with my family wasn’t the healthiest, about admitting to myself that my mom is abusive, and mostly about leaving my brothers and nephew behind. I know that I’m doing things that are needed for my own health and safety but I still feel so guilty and wrong about it. I feel like I’m betraying my family when I have to remind myself that my mom isn’t the healthiest person for me to be around because I’m not only looking at her in a negative light but I’m also cutting myself off from my dad and my brothers and my nephew who mean the absolute world to me. Because they come as a package. If I visit my brothers, I have to deal with my mom. That’s the reality. But because I can’t risk being guilted into feeling bad about moving out, I can’t enjoy my brother’s company. I can’t have long anime nights and laugh and play with my nephew. Don’t get me wrong, I can, I just have to do it in moderation. I’m still very uncomfortable about being here and turning my back on my mom so I can’t risk her giving a strong enough push to knock me back into her grasp. I can’t risk her self-pity-party getting to me and tying me back to her. I just can’t. Not now. Not ever again.

But let me tell you guys something: Today was absolutely amazing. I went to Day Treatment where the topic will be “Independent Living” and all the things that come with that for a few weeks. We watched a TEDtalk about leadership and success and how we have to know the why’s of what we’re doing. We have to sell ourselves by the WHY not the HOW or the WHAT. We have to be aware of why we’re doing the things we’re doing so that we can find/attract people who believe in our why’s. Because people buy into things for themselves and they need to know why they should. And that’s something that I can use everyday. Something I can use to remind myself of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Because what I’m doing and how I’m doing it is pointless if I don’t keep in mind why.

After Day Treatment, the staff and two of the kids in Day Treatment came to my housewarming. And when I say the staff, I mean everyone. The founder, providers, my therapist—everyone. They all came and saw my new place and ate and laughed and congratulated me. And it felt like family. It felt so good to have that support and that love. Every single person told me they were proud of me and that they believed that I’ll go further than I could ever imagine. They all believe in me and I felt it. I saw it on their faces. That’s what made today so important. Because seeing everyone there, together around the clubhouse table eating and laughing and telling me they’re proud of me made it real. Just seeing them all together made me realize just how far I’ve come. I went from only talking to my immediate family to having a support system that can’t be counted on both of my hands. A support system that makes time to attend something as simple as a housewarming. A family. That’s what this is to me: A family. Because even the providers that I don’t work with on a regular basis came and supported me. And you don’t find that a lot in treatment. You don’t find people that are that dedicated to their purpose, often in this field. But they are and I feel so blessed to be a part of this. I feel so lucky to have gotten the chance to work with them.

Sometimes all it takes is a good day to remind you why you soldiered on through the bad ones. Today is that good day. I’m going to be okay.


remember: no jokes about jesus on easter. he’s not the kind of guy you’d want to cross.

(via bronwhat)

scarygothmother replied to your post: Update

Keep going lovely! You are doing so well. x

Thank you darling!

1 week ago with 5,262 notes | reblog

stillhearyourghost replied to your post: Update

It sounds like you’re doing great, congrats!

Thank you so much! I hope you’re doing well too.

disgustinglittlewolf replied to your post: Update

you are truly an ispiration and i love seeing your progress! I hope one day I get to meet you and just give you the most massive hug! xx

Oh my. Words can’t describe how much this means to me. You’re such a fantastic person. Thank you so much for your continuous support, it means the world to me. <3

1 week ago with 9,099 notes | reblog


an apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

(via blowing-dean)



What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

oh sheet

(via ciggs666)

It’s been a little over two weeks since moving into the Independent Living program and things are going really well. So far I have taken my GED, gotten an eye exam, got approved for Medicare and Food Stamps (both are required for the program I’m in), started volunteering again, continued going to Day Treatment and therapy, made a resume, applied to a few jobs, set up a mock interview at a dental office, went shopping for work attire, and planned a housewarming party for myself for this Monday with the Day Treatment staff. 

I’m still a little worried about whether or not I’m keeping myself busy as a way to avoid dealing with the residual trauma but I know that I should work towards stabilizing my situation so that I will be more comfortable to deal with it with my support system. I feel like I should work towards being a little more self sufficient so that I have something to fall back on in case things go bad while dealing with my past. I don’t want to dig up the past with all of the still fresh emotions that come with it unless I know that I have tons of back up plans in case I hit a bad spot. I want to know that if I get bad while digging it up and do something stupid and get booted from the program that I’m not stuck going back to my parents. Because that’s happened before. I’ve felt safe enough to talk about my corrosive relationship with my mom and I’ve dug up all of that anger and pain and resentment and then had to go back for whatever reason and as a result I had to push all of that back down, only adding to it even more.

Another thing I’ve done for therapy is write three letters. One for me, one for my dad, and one for my mom. The letter to my mom took a little while to finish but I have finished it and it brought up a lot of emotions I have towards forgiving her. I wrote the letter hoping that by the end of it I’d be able to say that she made me stronger and that I forgave her but I just couldn’t. I remember all of those times that she’d beat me down and say she was sorry and I “forgave” her because I was honestly terrified of angering her even more. I remember the times I told her I couldn’t accept her apology immediately and instead of understanding she would continue to beat me down. I remember believing that forgiveness was equal to fear and part of me still feels that way. Part of me is still terrified of making people angry for not forgiving them. Part of me is still terrified that I’m a horrible person for not forgiving her (even though the letter is just for therapy and my mom will never read it). But I know, deep down, that forgiveness is for the person forgiving not for the person asking for it. Forgiveness is for my peace of mind and in order to fully respect that, I have to forgive on my own terms. I have to work through these feelings still and then think about forgiving her. That’s the process I need to focus on so that I don’t perpetuate the fear tactics she used on me.

There’s still a lot I need to work on but I’m making progress that I never thought I’d be able to. I’m going to be okay.

"I wish I were a poet. I’ve never confessed that to anyone, and I’m confessing it to you, because you’ve given me reason to feel that I can trust you. I’ve spent my life observing the universe, mostly in my mind’s eye. It’s been a tremendously rewarding life, a wonderful life. I’ve been able to explore the origins of time and space with some of the great living thinkers. But I wish I were a poet.
Albert Einstein, a hero of mine, once wrote, ‘Our situation is the following. We are standing in front of a closed box which we cannot open.’
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the vast majority of the universe is composed of dark matter. The fragile balance depends on things we’ll never be able to see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Life itself depends on them. What’s real? What isn’t real? Maybe those aren’t the right questions to be asking. What does life depend on?
I wish I had made things for life to depend on."
- -Jonathan Safran Foer