Sometimes I get so in my head that I compare myself to who I was. My mind twists things around to make my isolation and fear into something better than what I am now. My mind twists my denial of my illness into something sacred. Into something safe.
I start thinking thoughts like, “At least when I was isolating, I was safe.” I turn my gut-wrenching fear into safety. As if somehow making everyone I cared about worry constantly for my life made me safer. As if becoming so gut-wrenchingly lonely that I believed with my entire being that my death would be the best thing to ever happen was healthy. As if I’d actually rather go back to that pain than to face my fears and learn to care about people up-close. As if who I am now is worse than who I was before because now I risk actually getting hurt by others.
I have to step back and realize that change is meant to strengthen your character not destroy your soul. I have to tell myself that just because there are things about who I was before that I considered attributes of the strong doesn’t mean that I’m weak because I’m not the same person. I have to remind myself that I am getting better. Day-by-day. I am working towards building healthier relationships with others as well as with myself. I have to remind myself that who I was before was unhealthy and dangerous. I’m stronger than I was because I recognized that I needed help.
I may get in my head a lot but I refuse to stay there like I used to. I refuse to be taken for a joyride by my thoughts again.