I’m in a really bad state right now and I feel like I can’t breathe or talk or eat and I just want to stop being so disgusting and I want to stop hurting everyone I care about and I just want to stop.
I started thinking that I was good. That I was doing good things. That things were working out for me. That things were looking up. And I got stuck in that thinking. I forgot that that doesn’t happen to me. I forgot to brace myself for the massive kick in the face that life always seems to give me when I’m doing good. And now that it’s hit, I don’t have the fight in me anymore. I don’t have that strength anymore.
I keep trying to tell myself that it’s just one more fight. That I’ve won and conquered so many things that I never thought I would and that I can win and conquer this one too but I just don’t believe that anymore. I don’t believe that it’s just one more fight. It’s like every time I get situated and content with my life, another thing kicks me down and I have to keep fighting and I don’t want to. I’m so tired of having to constantly claw and bite and kick and scream for my right to just be happy. I’m not that strong. I’m not some story that ends with explosions of motivation and courage. I’m a real person who has been kicked down too many times and there is no beauty in this pain. There is no cryptic message of strength and courage. There is only me and I’m weak.