It sounds like you’re doing great, congrats!
Thank you so much! I hope you’re doing well too.
you are truly an ispiration and i love seeing your progress! I hope one day I get to meet you and just give you the most massive hug! xx
Oh my. Words can’t describe how much this means to me. You’re such a fantastic person. Thank you so much for your continuous support, it means the world to me. <3
It’s been a little over two weeks since moving into the Independent Living program and things are going really well. So far I have taken my GED, gotten an eye exam, got approved for Medicare and Food Stamps (both are required for the program I’m in), started volunteering again, continued going to Day Treatment and therapy, made a resume, applied to a few jobs, set up a mock interview at a dental office, went shopping for work attire, and planned a housewarming party for myself for this Monday with the Day Treatment staff.
I’m still a little worried about whether or not I’m keeping myself busy as a way to avoid dealing with the residual trauma but I know that I should work towards stabilizing my situation so that I will be more comfortable to deal with it with my support system. I feel like I should work towards being a little more self sufficient so that I have something to fall back on in case things go bad while dealing with my past. I don’t want to dig up the past with all of the still fresh emotions that come with it unless I know that I have tons of back up plans in case I hit a bad spot. I want to know that if I get bad while digging it up and do something stupid and get booted from the program that I’m not stuck going back to my parents. Because that’s happened before. I’ve felt safe enough to talk about my corrosive relationship with my mom and I’ve dug up all of that anger and pain and resentment and then had to go back for whatever reason and as a result I had to push all of that back down, only adding to it even more.
Another thing I’ve done for therapy is write three letters. One for me, one for my dad, and one for my mom. The letter to my mom took a little while to finish but I have finished it and it brought up a lot of emotions I have towards forgiving her. I wrote the letter hoping that by the end of it I’d be able to say that she made me stronger and that I forgave her but I just couldn’t. I remember all of those times that she’d beat me down and say she was sorry and I “forgave” her because I was honestly terrified of angering her even more. I remember the times I told her I couldn’t accept her apology immediately and instead of understanding she would continue to beat me down. I remember believing that forgiveness was equal to fear and part of me still feels that way. Part of me is still terrified of making people angry for not forgiving them. Part of me is still terrified that I’m a horrible person for not forgiving her (even though the letter is just for therapy and my mom will never read it). But I know, deep down, that forgiveness is for the person forgiving not for the person asking for it. Forgiveness is for my peace of mind and in order to fully respect that, I have to forgive on my own terms. I have to work through these feelings still and then think about forgiving her. That’s the process I need to focus on so that I don’t perpetuate the fear tactics she used on me.
There’s still a lot I need to work on but I’m making progress that I never thought I’d be able to. I’m going to be okay.
I figure the best thing I can do right now is make a list of all of my goals. Long-term or short-term. I need to be able to look at this list everyday and remind myself why I’m busting my ass in day treatment and volunteer work and therapy and case management. To remind myself why I needed out of my mom’s house. To remind myself to focus and care about my own goals and wants. Hopefully that will motivate me to keep looking forward. Hopefully that will prevent any damaging regression in my treatment.
I know that I need to focus on getting in a more stable environment (i.e. one that I control, pay bills for, provide for solely, etc) and achieve these goals I’ve set out for but I’m also worried that it might damage my treatment. Like, I’m worried that I’ll use this focus on my future as a way to keep pushing away the ever-looming responsibility I have to myself to work through the trauma. Because I don’t feel comfortable dealing with it here with my case manager. Not yet. And I’m still working on trusting my therapist.
I know that I need to trust these people. I know that I have to rely on these people around me but relying on people is the most uncomfortable thing in my life. I also realize that this is mostly due to the residual trauma or whatever that I need to work through but I feel like if I drag all of this shit up in a still-changing environment that I’ll burnout or something.
I’m scared that no matter which route I’ll choose, I’ll still fuck up my treatment.